MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
"Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have been a C. Have some
fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
"Ditto. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Dartmouth: "Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was awesome."
"Have some beer."

Smith: "God I'm desperate."
"Me too. Have some fries."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy league."
"Here drink the fry grease."

Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J. Crew catalog."
"Here, look through mine. Have a Bison Burger."

Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."
"Yeah, yeah, have some fries."

Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"
"Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke - EVER!, give
me a coke."

Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."
"Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."

Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."
"Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go laugh at the
American U. students."

Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."
"Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."

William & Mary: "I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid colonial
outfit."
"Me too. Pass the glass-blowing equipment."

U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final engineering exam.
"No kidding. Pass this year's final engineering exam."

Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."
"What are women? Have some vivarin."

Michigan State: "This cafeteria is awfully big, where are the fries?"

University of Michigan: "Our fries are about as good as our football team."
"Oh well, pass them anyway."

10. It doesn't snow in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot men in Hell.
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to college.

Date: ___________

Dear Parent(s),

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics
of interest to both of us.

Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas

My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
__ All of the above

Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester

I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,